She took up the whole room with her very beingness.  Not in a bad way, she just had a big personality.  I liked her.  She also assured me that things appeared to be going well and asked if I had a twin nursing pillow.  I told her yes and described it and she laughed as she told me a funny story from her own experiences.  She said that the song “Star Trecking” was popular when she had her girls and she used to feel like the Starship Enterprise, cruising through her house with this big pillow belted to her waist as she would nurse her twin girls and do various things.

A few months later I knew what she meant.  I’d have one baby nursing and would find myself going to get the other one waking from a nap – while still nursing.  As I would cruise up the mirrored hallway I’d see myself with this huge green pillow, baby on board, and I’d remember that image of being the Enterprise and I would start singing the song:

star trecking across the universe
on the starship enterprise
under captain kirk
star trecking across the universe
slowly going forward
coz we cant find reverse

It’s a fun memory.  Especially because yesterday I gave away my nursing pillow.  And you know what?  It kinda hurts.  I’m sad just typing it.  I gave it to a first time mom who’s been taking fertility drugs in hopes of having a baby.  She just found out she’s pregnant and when I asked in email if she was having twins she said “I can only hope.”  In that one sentance she reminded me to be so very grateful instead of pissy about things.  I often hear younger women say very romantically, “I always wanted twins” and I want to scream at them, “No you don’t!”.  But yesterday I was reminded not only of that fun time with the song but also of the gratitude that I have for these two healthy, beautiful boys.  And to continue praying for all the couples out there that want children of their own.

I certainly have my days when I would love for us to make enough money for me to fix the “twin skin” on the belly and/or re-inflate my post-breastfeeding breasts. But for the most part I’m working on accepting myself this way just like I worked on accepting myself when I started changing after turning 30. In those days I thought of it as letting go of my “girl” body and accepting my “woman” body. Now this is my “mom” body. I can chart parts of my pregnancy story with my body now, a natural tattoo of my experience incubating, birthing and feeding our beautiful twin boys.

I know that some people are judgmental about the “mom” body. “Why doesn’t she go work off that extra weight?”, “She shouldn’t even be in a bathing suit with that body”. But that’s because they have fallen victim to believing our cultural trash about what a body should and shouldn’t look like. Women throughout history and across the cultures of the world share these unifying body changes so I think it’s a shame that our culture doesn’t accept them. Maybe if we weren’t so invested in covering up every flaw with a piece (or layers) of material. Just recently I noticed the gossip magazines at the grocery store check-out are into showing off the famous bodies that have been “ruined” by motherhood. It makes me both sad and angry. But I applaud the famous women willing to say “screw it” and put on that bikini anyway. I wish that I was that bold. Of course maybe I would be if everything else was nice and tight from working out. Chasing toddlers is a work out, but unfortunately not the kind that gives me muscle tone.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judgmental of those who do seek surgery to fix things. On the contrary. I think that it’s great that we live in a world were we have options and women can choose to make themselves more comfortable in their own skin. This is as it should be.

I appreciated the reference in the original post to the Shape of a Mother blog (not work safe). A recently updated version of the site looks amazing and I highly recommend it to anyone reading this who is interested in the process of pre and post-pregnancy bodies. There are nude images so be sure to check it out at home. I spent a lot of time during the pregnancy looking at the bodies of the women carrying twins. And then after when I first started to see where my body was going to land post pregnancy and breastfeeding. It helps to know that we aren’t alone, that while some have been genetically lucky enough to maintain the status-quo, most of us haven’t.

So while I reserve the right to change my mind and get a boob job as a 40th birthday gift to myself, I’m actively working to accept myself and love myself just as I am. And I’ve recently noticed that it’s working.

One thing that I have done is gotten some pictures posted on the internet for everyone to see, enjoy!

http://picasaweb.google.com/DawnSunryse

Forest and Logan Trammell

Born Dec 12, 2006

Logan Sol Trammell at 8:00 PM weighing 6 lbs 12 ozs

Forest Manning Trammell at 8:01 PM weighing 5 lbs 9 ozs

The induction didn’t work so we finished the night with a cesarean. Recovery is going well for me and I’m enjoying lots of hours just holding, kissing, and loving on these two precious little boys.

Ambien was my friend last night because these hospital beds are sooo not comfortable.  Especially when you have three monitors on your belly (one for each baby and one for my contractions) as well as a herapin lock and a blood pressure cuff.  Going to the bathroom or switching sides to sleep on was a ton of fun!

Enjoying the ipod tunes that Brad and I put together for the hospital.  They have been keeping me relaxed and I keep having moments of being tired and drifting off for quick 30 second naps.  Brad’s been wonderful staying with me all night and the room is about to be filled with love in the next few hours as Karen, Dusty, Chris, Mom and Wendy arrive.

Tonight they will be administering a horomone gel (which simulates prostoglandin) to my cervix to help it soften and “ripen.”  This way it will start to open up for the babies.  It is possible that this will start the labor process but if not, tomorrow morning they will begin administering pitocin (which simulates oxcytocin) to cause contractions.  This is when the real work will start.  I’m going to be praying that the gel tonight starts the process so that we can move through things quickly and naturally but I’m prepared for whatever may come.

I’ll post baby pictures as soon as I have time and possibly a few “I’m bored sitting here in the hospital” posts tomorrow.

Doing a last load of laundry and packing what I think will be needed.  I’ll post once more before leaving for the hospital tonight.