The Joys of Twins » Dawn

Focus/Refocus

Dawn — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:56:17 +0000

As I came out of the shock of what was happening in Japan, New Zealand, the Middle East, the attacks on democracy within our own borders, I needed to find a way to to be more centered and grounded in the world around me, refocusing my attention back on my family. So I picked up the camera and managed to take 200 shots in about 5 days. Over the course of the next few days I’ll post some of my favorite photos along with some stories to update you on the boys and our life right now.

I Am

Dawn — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 14:54:50 +0000

It’s time for a personal update that is all about Dawn the Person instead of Dawn the Mom. I’ve had an extremely powerful past few months, approaching age 40 in 2 years and really beginning to self actualize.

About twelve years ago I had a vision. In the midst of my twenties I felt like women didn’t have good relationships with each other in our culture and I wanted to create a place for them to come together, learn from each other, and support each other. Nine years ago I found myself at a retreat center in the pine woods of East Texas which is owned and maintained by an amazing woman who had founded The Fellowship of Comparative Religion, Glenda Taylor. I was enchanted with the retreat center, the woman, and the work that she has made her life. I called her a few weeks after that retreat and said, “Glenda, I’d like to apprentice with you.” When she asked what I meant by that I said that I wasn’t really sure, I just wanted to learn how to take care of a retreat center. Seemed like a good start for my vision. So I spent the next few years volunteering to cook for 2 womens retreats and 2 kids retreats each year. Being in the kitchen was an amazing way for me to absorb, learn, and grow. Then I started going out and spending time with Glenda alone. Asking her questions. It’s all a bit of a blur from there as I just kept showing up, attending retreats, asking questions, and slowly, ever so slowly, she gave me more and more responsibility. Earlier this year Glenda turned to me and said, “Dawn, you need to plan your own retreat.”

Now, Glenda’s done that a few times, told me it was time for me to do something that I had figured it would be years until I was ready for. It’s scary, but I not only have a strong belief in the tradition of apprenticeship but also an incredible trust built up from the nine years I’ve spent working with Glenda. I decided not to think too much about it and picked a date and sent out an invitation to a very large group of people who I thought might be interested in what I was going for. Since my love is comparative religious studies, I wanted to bring together a group of people interested in exploring their relationship with the Divine through the spiritual traditions from around the world.

In the past two months I’ve attended three retreats and facilitated one. I facilitated a coming of age ceremony at a retreat in October and for some reason the process for working on that ceremony and my retreat broke open an incredible new growth process for me. Who knows why or how these things happen but I suddenly find myself energized and expanding beyond who I was just a few months ago. My own personal spiritual practice has taken off in new directions with great enthusiasm.

It is now two weeks since I facilitated my retreat and one week since finishing up what I call the “fall retreat season”. I find myself physically exhausted, body aches with no other symptoms and a desire to go to bed for three days. Unfortunately that’s not an option so I’m giving myself permission to ignore housework and just focus on spending time playing with the boys. It’s a nice change for me and the boys are old enough to kind of understand that mommy isn’t well. But as my body wants to crawl into a cave, my heart and mind are burst open. It’s ironic and strange and wonderful.

My retreat went well. Even better then I had dared to expect. It put an incredible amount of trust and faith inside of me for the power of Spirit. The right people, in the right place at the right time. I created the intention, invited others to do the same, and together we joined with the Great Mystery to bring about deep, heart experiences. I have trouble explaining in words what this retreat and it’s experience mean to me. It’s so deep and so profound that I spent the two days after filled with constant love and compassion. And as I came out of that beautiful place, and back into my “norm”, a part of me is still digesting, still integrating, and still taking it all in.

I had an interesting experience with fear this fall. We danced together in a whole new way as right before both the Coming of Age ceremony in October and the retreat in November I woke those mornings to find my body responding in terror, while my mind was in peace. My stomach was nauseous, my head was hurting, my heart pounding. I was shocked to be experiencing these physical sensations because my mind was so at peace. What’s going on? As I explained to Forest and Logan, a part of my psyche was afraid and not as trusting as the other parts who had been so engaged in the process of creation for both events. It took a lot of deep breathing and internal conversation to calm things down. And I got to have a very cool conversation with the boys using words like “psyche”, “ego” and “parts of myself”. It was a shock to me to be so disassociated with that fear the way that I was, as much as feeling that way physically sucked, it was inspiring to know that all my physiological and spiritual work over the past 9 years had paid off in my ability to recognize that my whole being didn’t feel that fear, but a part of me did, and I knew how to work with that.

Earlier this year I was struck by the thought that I’m approaching age forty. When I was approaching thirty I thought I knew what that would be about. I threw myself a huge party and went out of my twenties with a huge bang. It wasn’t graceful or even safe, but it was a good way for me to seal the feelings that I was letting go of a whole lot of what had been my focus in my twenties. And that was ok. I knew that the thirties would be about being a grown up, in all senses of that phrase. But I didn’t know what “40? was about. In the past few months I’ve seen a glimpse. For me, forty is about seeing my calling move from student to action phase. I’ll always be a student, I love to learn, but there is a time and place for stepping into our personal power; of claiming our power, our connection with Spirit and publicly proclaiming our calling. Since this wasn’t a traditional four year college experience like I had in my twenties, there is no cap and gown, crossing the stage public proclamation of my new identity. But the change still happened. Back in my teen years I wondered what I would do with my life. A historian, a teacher, politics? And then I ended up in retail management, and then in Human Resources. All very important careers to share with the world. But always I felt unresolved. Until now.

I am a spiritual retreat facilitator and a ceremonial facilitator.

How I Spent My Weekend

Dawn — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 02:52:08 +0000

We bought a home just over a year ago and are finally getting around to making it “ours”. Our first project was to paint the boys’ bedroom. Logan loves color and had very strong opinions about wanting a dark blue room, we were able to get his buy in to add some green, using their curtains as our color source. The Home Depot Behr color computer scanner nailed the colors perfectly and it looks amazing. We still need to do the trim work at a later date, but for now Brad and I are really proud of ourselves and the boys love it.

It wasn’t excessively exhausting to do a 10 x 10 room and we were able to take time away to eat sushi with a wonderful couple last night and hold another couple of good friend’s four day old baby girl. But at home this weekend I patched drywall, applied caulk, sanded, painted, and cleaned up spilled paint on carpet. Having never done any of these things before, I feel an incredible sense of accomplishment and pride.

From paint

Scary first coat of the green that was more like a 1980s florescent green in the can.

From paint

Second coat of the green and it’s more of a olive with a yellow hue to it.

From paint

First coat of the blue.

From paint

The final product. Two coats of green and two coats of blue with a white stripe for definition.

From paint

With furniture back in.

From paint

Ta Da!

Self Portrait #1

Dawn — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 16:52:28 +0000

One of my blog friends, Laura, is many things including but not limited to: mother of twins, runner, career woman, and photographer. She did a post today encouraging more pictures of ourselves and suggested Friday’s for these images. My fancy camera is on loan right now to a friend who is expecting a baby soon and wanted a good camera for taking photos of the delivery, so I’m going to use my iPhone.

I started off this adventure with photos of me with the boys simply because we were hanging out together when I thought about it. So yes, these are those photos you take of yourself while holding the phone out. And I loved how they turned out.

Me and both boys

Me and Forest

Me and Logan

You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello

Dawn — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 20:10:55 +0000

It’s been a week now since Forest said good bye to naps (Logan gave them up about 6 months ago) and I find myself with no official child free break during my day. Surprisingly, the timing seems to be very nice because the boys are so good about playing with each other that I find myself with lots of time during my days to work on house work and my projects. Just a few months earlier and it would have felt painful to my ego that struggled to find time for itself. But these days the boys imaginations run wild and my main job is to provide conflict resolution. Fights between the boys are mainly in two categories, fighting over a toy or being angry at the other for not playing the way he wanted to play.

I find myself very fulfilled lately as my personal life goals are fruitful lately. I am coordinating a ceremony for a friend expecting her baby in a month, a ceremony for a young lady who recently turned 18 and planning to facilitate my very first retreat in November. I’ve been apprenticing for the past 8 years with my amazing mentor, Glenda, who can be found at The Fellowship of Comparative Religion’s website www.towardcommonground.org. She said I am ready for my own retreat and I’ve learned that when an elder tells you you are ready, you are. It’s been so nice to be able to sit down on my laptop and start writing away with emails and ideas for these various activities and actually be able to accomplish something while the boys play away.

It’s meant so much to me to be able to accomplish something. Household chores are important and of course raising the boys is as well. The time that I spend with them reading stories or looking at pictures, answering questions or showing them new scenarios for playing is incredibly important and fulfilling. But I have been longing to accomplish goals for me, things that fulfilled me with a more immediate end in sight then 17 years from now. And here I am.

So for all the other twin parents out there, those in the pregnancy or with infants, fear not. It does get easier and easier and by 3.5 they are playing with each other so well that you might even get an entire hour to yourself!

Roller Coasters

Dawn — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:06:47 +0000

Last year Brad and I decided we wanted to renew our childhood by making time to go ride roller coasters. I think it was riding on Space Mountain at Disney last fall that did it for us. Anyway, we finally got a chance during our recent trip to California when we took time to go to Six Flags Magic Mountain which is all about the art of the roller coaster. I probably haven’t ridden a “real” coaster (upside down and loop de loops) for a good 15 years or more and wow have they changed. Now they have you standing up, no floor beneath your feet, and all kinds of other craziness I never would have imagined safe.

I remembered I used to always close my eyes to help be less scared but otherwise they were fun. I vaguely remember them effecting my stomach but nothing that a little time in between couldn’t fix. So anyway, there we were, Brad and I along with his recent high school graduate niece and her boyfriend riding on our first ride of the day. It was a lot of fun that first one, got jolted around a lot and I mostly kept my eyes closed but it was still fun. But when it was over, oh wow. I couldn’t stop moving, had to keep walking. I got hot and flushed. My stomach was still trying to find itself again after all those loops and cork screws. I drank down a coke and we slowly walked to the next one while I wondered aloud if maybe I was 1.) too old for this or 2.) really out of practice. Up until the moment I was strapped in I wasn’t sure if I was going to ride the second one or not. It was my first stand up coaster and I was bound and determined that I could do this.

It was a very humble experience. I kept my eyes closed the ENTIRE time on this one. But I relaxed and enjoyed it. As we came to a stop Brad is on one side of me saying “oh, that one got me” while the niece is on my other side saying “let’s do it again!!” Yes, we were humbled.

It was hot and humid but we found an air conditioned food court and sat for a bit, sending the young people off to ride more without us. Waves of nausea ran through us repeatedly. We even tried walking some more around the park at one point only to have to turn back, laughing at ourselves the entire time. Some greasy fried chicken and french fries finally settled our stomachs but even later that night we felt a bit off and our stomachs still seemed confused. It was a lot like a really, really bad case of seasick.

So there you have it. I will never ride another roller coaster that goes upside down again. No really, I learned my lesson the hard way. I wish I had been more brave when I was younger and my body didn’t protest so much. But now that I’m less fearful in my mind, my body is a lot less convinced of my invincibility. Such a great balance.

Special Friends

Dawn — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:30:36 +0000

We’ve had a whirlwind past few weeks with Brad’s parents visiting, Flipside (the regional Burningman event) and then a short visit from old friends Bob and Gyee. Bob and I went to high school together in Germany back in the late 80’s – early 90’s and through a lot of time and shared experiences have a built what I think of as a brother and sister relationship. I still remember when he first met Gyee and how much I adored her, and now I think Bob gets a bit jealous sometimes that she and I have become such good friends.

While pregnant with the boys, Brad, Dusty and I all agreed to asking Bob and Gyee to be godparents to the boys. Although they’ve moved away from Texas and on to Massachusetts to be with Bob’s wonderful family, we still talk about them a lot in our home and have their pictures up for the boys to see. It touched my heart beyond words that the boys responded to Bob and Gyee with such enthusiasm and open hearts. I wish I had captured more pictures of their visit but we only had a short time together and really focused on making the most of every second together.

People talk about how true friends are those you don’t talk to every day but can pick right back up with as if it was just yesterday even though it’s been years, and this really is our relationship with Bob and Gyee. Even the boys felt that as they dived into playing and cuddling with them.

I had moments of being chocked up with joy when I saw things like this

From May 2010

Knowing

Dawn — Thu, 20 May 2010 16:14:11 +0000

This morning I read the article “Guilt Trip into the Woods: Do Kids Really Need Nature?” and it brought up the need to write for me. At first I thought I was going to write about balance and how nature and the modern world are not mutually exclusive and pitted against each other. But as you’ll see it turned into something else.

I don’t understand why it’s a nature “versus” anything at all. My three year olds can navigate an iPhone like the best adult Apple fan and would rather practice their letters on the computer then a chalk board. But they also love nature, love to be outside. As much as a part of me wants to pack us up and move into the woods, we’ve made the choice to live in the middle of suburbia. Forest and Logan at 3 years old can identify some urban trees, plants and birds because I’ve made the point to tell them when we are outside riding bikes, playing at the playground, etc. Who knows if they will develop an affinity for learning about the outside world at a young age or like me only love nature until they get older and then realize they want to KNOW about it. I see it as my job as a parent to give them opportunities in all worlds, and to let them develop their own interests. Using an example from the article, my kids don’t want to press flowers either, but they sure do love to just be outside, and that is what matters. That they aren’t spending 24/7 indoors, on computers, in front of the tv. Let kids do what they enjoy outdoors: play sports, play on the playground, swim, read, write, draw. As long as they are outside their own interests will develop and they will get the benefit of new experiences, new stimuli that can only be offered by being outdoors. My eyesight improved when I quit working and started staying home with the boys because I was no longer stressing my eyes with computers, no longer only looking at things close up. Being outside and looking farther away improved my vision. I like to show the boys how interconnected life is while we are outside, I think that this will give them a sense of stewardship for the land as well as remind them to be tolerant and compassionate. Being outside is good for you on so many levels. But they’ve also learned a lot from the teachings I’ve found on websites about the outside world. It’s all a balance.

As often seems to happen in our society, things are pitted against each other in an “or” fashion instead of experienced as an “and”. I appreciate the article that led me to write this for wanting to take away some of the guilt that parents put themselves through. We live in a time when there are a lot of “or” decisions that have to be made about how we spend our time and there is a lot of guilt associated with the things that we don’t do. But this is very much self imposed and we need to change the way we think in order to remove all this guilt that we torture ourselves with. We need to remember that we have choices and that often the choice we do make is no better or worse then the one we didn’t make. Our family doesn’t live in the woods because we’ve chosen certain careers. We don’t have two cars because we’ve chosen to spend our money traveling more then we would be able to if we had a new car payment. We choose to take the boys to McDonald’s for hamburgers sometimes because it’s easy and fun. Choices.

We need to be more compassionate with ourselves about our choices so that we can in turn be compassionate to others about theirs. Try it this weekend. Don’t think so much and so hard. Don’t analyze as much. Just go with a choice, forgive yourself for not the other choice and live the life in front of you instead of the life that could have been. I think that’s one of the meanings for that phrase, “Choose Life”. You are empowered by life, not chained to it. Know that you have the choice and make wise decisions. Watch a tv show or play a video game as a family and then go outside and throw a ball or wash the car together. Choose balance, choose life.

Earth Day

Dawn — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 16:54:27 +0000

We went to the grocery store this morning and as will often happen, the boys asked for a balloon at the register. Today is Earth Day so instead of their usual red and blue balloons with various colored lollipops attached, they had big bright green balloons with green lollipops. The boys were disappointed and kept asking “why did they give us green balloons? we don’t want green balloons.”

As we drove home I started telling them about how before they were born people didn’t think much about what they did effecting the Earth and the day was created to help bring people’s attention to being better stewards, to recycling, reducing waste and reusing. I was completely caught off guard by how this conversation effected me as huge tears started to roll out of my eyes and my voice choked with emotion. Thinking about how we do try to make every day Earth day in our home but that it’s a constant process and we fall short often. Thinking about the boys’ future and praying that it doesn’t need an Earth Day because human kind is evolved enough to “get it” by their adulthood. That’s one of the reasons I had children, because they give hope to me, to the world.

While I’m not a fan of gimmicks and couldn’t help wondering about all the ways that very grocery store and myself harm the Earth with bad choices, today’s conversation with the boys gave me renewed vision towards a goal for our future. Renewed my baby step goals that I know add up to great things in the long run. I’m not a fan of new year’s resolutions but I’ve found myself setting goals this year related to being a better steward. Producing less trash, buying local produce, meat, eggs, milk, creating my own garden, repurposing clothes. I pray that the boys grow up in a world where we all think about our actions and how they make a difference and influence these little people to always live like this without having to change their patterns.

Spring and Creativity

Dawn — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 16:22:52 +0000

I’m just a few weeks away from my braces coming off. The boys were one when I got them on so they don’t remember mommy without metal on her teeth. I can’t wait to see what they think. It’s very strange to me that my children won’t know me with my fangs because they were such a part of me for over 30 years. Time is a strange thing and makes me feel… well what word? strange is a good word.

I have lots of neat new pictures to post but they are on our beautiful (new to us) slr camera. Hopefully in the next few weeks I’ll get the card reader I need and be able to download them and upload them and otherwise present them to the world.

Spring sprung and the boys went crazy. They want nothing to do with their toys and no longer can self entertain. They require the outdoors to run and jump and climb and scream. It’s as if they have become possessed. There is no doubt in my mind and heart that something happens inside of us just like it does in the plants and the animals. Some kind of chemical reaction that fills us with energy and excitement and demands to be nourished by fresh air and sunshine. It’s beautiful.

I’m sewing and crafting up a storm lately and it’s filling me with a lot of personal accomplishment. Realizing how many things that I know how to do, things that I learned as a girl from my mom and home ec teacher, Mrs. Posey. It feels good to get high off the creativity that I so often used to say I didn’t even have. To realize that I am creative and that I already know how to do some creative things. And that I have it within me to figure out how to do things even if it may not be the easiest or best way, I can figure out a way. And God Bless the internet with all of it’s millions of “how to” video tutorials to fill in the missing pieces. And Etsy.com which stimulates me with ideas and inspires me to reuse and repurpose.