Approaching
This is going to be a rather random post. But lately I’ve been aware of being 36.5, going to turn 37 in April. I loved turning 30, was really excited and all about “claiming” it. Honestly I partied like crazy and broke myself trying to prove to myself that I could and would be a party girl forever. Anyone else seen the movie “Party Girl” with Parker Posey? Something along those lines… But the truth is that I didn’t want to be one forever and I’ve grown up a lot in the past six years. But now I’m approaching 40 and it’s weird.
At some point along our path of “growing up”, we stop seeing ourselves grow up. I know that my memory of high school and college is very fuzzy, but I still feel a little like it was just yesterday. I still have moments when I’m sitting in my SUV with the kids in the backseat and ask myself “how did I get here?” Are you familiar with the song “Once in a Lifetime” by the Talking Heads? If not, you should have a listen. It about sums it up. It’s not a sad feeling it’s just like a shock to that part of myself that still feels 25. That’s where I think I stopped, 25. I can’t seem to look in the mirror and recognize myself any more.
So yes, 40 approaches and with it the questions of “who am I?”, “what am I doing?”, “how did I get here?” For some reason, 40 feels daunting. It’s crossing a line for me that I had no idea I had drawn in the sand. I don’t think it’s about being “old” in the sense of what I used to believe being “freaked out about being old” meant. But yeah, it officially means I’m no longer young. I have a whole lot of years and experience and opinions galore. But I still struggle with some of the same personality flaws I had as a kid, I still have some of the same fears and concerns, so it’s hard to see myself as a grown up.
I know myself, I’m going to want a big party for 40. I’m going to want to celebrate my life this time, not prove something. I’m going to really embrace and claim being a grown up, with all the weird feelings and odd sensations that comes along with that. Maybe another 10 years after that I’ll recognize myself in the mirror again.
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
I ran off back to Austin for a long weekend last week and managed to have a pretty small birthday with my family, and a few friends out at my brothers new place in spicewood.
Honestly I just don’t do the party thing that well anymore. I like my private conversations uninterrupted and my public conversations spirited but not retarded. So I don’t get into that many “party” situations a lot now.
Still working on that the “what am I doing” question, but in the meantime I’m doin my best to enjoy the life I have.