Rant
I had an experience that makes me want to rant. I try to be a positive person but right now, I want to complain. It’s an old complaint, one that you’ve read or heard many times before from MOMs (mothers of multiples) but I haven’t done it so it’s my turn.
I was at the park with the boys. A wonderful grandmother was there with her granddaughter who was two months younger then our boys. She was very kind and we had the kids sort of playing together really well. She made the good ole’ twin mom favorite “I bet you have your hands full!” but this time it was different. It wasn’t just some random comment like “How are you doing?” that strangers ask even though they don’t really mean it. It was an honest question and she was genuinely concerned with my well being as a mom. She said it all with her influctions and tone of voice.
Then not much later another mom joined us with her little boy about the same age as Forest and Logan. There she was in her perfect little workout type outfit showing just a tiny bit of belly so as not to appear immodest but enough to show off her workout. Her pants where tight, her makeup obvious. I on the other hand was wearing my $5 Hanes tshirt from Walmart. I got tired of ruining nicer shirts and quickly decided to start wearing these comfy but inexpensive shirts for around the house. I did have on Calvin Klein jeans but one knee was colored yellow from Forest’s all inclusive crayon scribblings the day before, one leg had stripes of yogurt remaining from the afternoon snack. I was going to the park to sit in the dirt, I wasn’t going to try and put on new clothes. Besides, I had to get two toddlers in new diapers, long pants, socks and shoes and into the car before leaving, there wasn’t time for me to play dress up. My one move was to put on my wedding band. It’s made of wood so I don’t wear it all the time but I try to always wear it out.
So there we were and I notice all these things as the result of having one baby instead of two. She strikes up conversation because you’re supposed to with the typical phrases. “Are they twins?”, “they look nothing alike”, “so these must be the last for you”, “so it runs in your family”. Etc, etc. All the phrases and make my blood boil. Oh yeah, and the one that makes me want to scream, “so you may try for a girl”. Needless to say, as the boys wandered away I was grateful not to have to continue responding in a civil tone to questions and comments that irritate me as insensitive small talk.
I know people don’t mean to be rude, they say things without thinking. But isn’t that the same thing? This entire second interaction was everything that I dread about interacting with new people. Why can’t we all be thoughtful about what we say and how we say it like Grandmother? If we just slowed down for a few moments I think it would do the trick.
I’m curious, do any of you other stay at home twin moms put on makeup before going out? What is important to you about your appearance when you take the kids out? If not makeup is it your hair, fresh clothes?
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Comments
Kim - Thanks for the positive reinforcement. It’s funny because I’ll use any time we go out without the boys with us to really doll up. Poor Brad is always wondering if he’s under dressed. I explain that it’s just that I have to use all this makeup and cute shoes I’ve invested in over the years.
sorry to hear about that other mama. i am sure she has her days when she looks like crap and screams and wants to be somewhere else. i have to admit i put makeup on everyday, but i have done that since i was 16 and even 12 weeks of bedrest (when i saw virtually no one) did not stop that. and it takes me three minutes in the morning. the thing i seem to rarely do is wear clothes that fit, are clean or look good. i have a nice rotation of tshirts that i plan on tossing in a year. i wash my hair then put it in a bun, and by 5 have a halo of curls that help me resemble albert einstein (with makeup, of course). so, yay, i do not look like that mom, but i occasionally try to pull it together when we are going somewhere special. and i hate the inane questions but comfort myself by thinking that those moms with that edgy questioning style would never ever be able to do what we do. and they are maybe jealous that we can.
Dawn-
Forgive me while I rant right along with you. My fraternal twin girls are about to turn 7 and I feel your pain. Even though I’m not a SAHM, my weekends are spent running around with them doing things I need to do and entertaining them. Weekends come, and I seldom put on makeup. I’ve long since realized that even if I’d had only one baby at a time, I was never going to be one of those women who gets dressed up to go to the park. It’s not who I am and I suspect it’s not who you are either. What makes my blood boil (still) is the act of perfect strangers to ask those probing questions like we are a sideshow attraction. Are they twins? How far apart are they? Do twins run in your famiy? (which I always take to mean “did you take fertility drugs?”) And the follow up commentary of “you must have your hands full. Are going to try for a boy?” How is that your business, person I met 30 seconds ago? And my all time favorite “Better you than me.” YOU BET.
my standards are so low, i’m starting to wonder if i should do something about it. i’m a low-to-no maintenance kind of gal anyways, and always loved the carefree look of lounge pants and a tank, or even going out in my pjs, but now i just feel like a big schlub. makeup?! oh my, no. i’m lucky if i brush my hair. but i almost always brush my teeth before going out, and put on deoderant. i try to shower every day, too. now that the boys are 15 months, i’m starting to rethink how i present myself in general. for one, they’re not infants anymore and don’t need my constant attention (most days), so i should be able to pull it together for myself a bit better. second, am i modeling the best behavior by looking like a slob? not that i want to go to the park in a dress and heels, but i also want to demonstrate that (relatively) clean clothes and a put together appearance are moderately important in life. i think the most important part of this though is a shift in my brain that i am important again, and worthy of spending a little time each day on. bettering myself is something i am slowly and painfully working on. it came easy before, but it’s really difficult now. working out, eating right, focusing on my emotional health. i think these things are right now fundamentally connected to how i look and present myself and i’m acutely aware of how poorly i am doing.
sorry for this rant - it’s been on my mind in a major way! but thanks for also giving me an outlet to think about it some more. can’t wait to see you all next week, no matter what we look like!
Ultimately, at this stage in your motherhood, you have to figure out what is most important to you and feasible to do. What other mom’s do doesn’t validate or invalidate your choices. (wether they are mother’s of multiples or not). These are some really fascinating responses though.
You know me, I can hardly be bothered with makeup unless I’m going out and I don’t even have the excuse of kids.
Now, the woman’s comments are a whole separate issue. But I’m sure one thing enhanced the negativity of the other.
Shaunna,
“one thing enhanced the negativity of the other”
Exactly, the comments enhanced the appearance issue. Otherwise I would have totally blow it off, I rarely let myself feel inferior over stuff like that. It just made me feel nasty.
To be honest, with two sets of twins under two years of age, I seldom leave the house. LOL
So, when I do, I try to look my best- not for others, but for myself. I enjoy fixing up, if only to give myself a tiny reminder of what I was like before I became a mom!
i take the kids out every day there is sun after lunch clean up and never change out of my clean up clothes that have been messed on
but if we go into the car I have my gear right there on my keychain - one of those tiny totes that fit ID, money, tweezers, eyeliner, lipgloss, compact with mirror. once we’re all in, I fix lips lashes and dot the nose. in the center console are the body mist and gum. run the fingers through the hair, or tie it up and we’re presentable.
Funny you should post about this. I’m a stay at home mom of 8 month old twin boys, as well as three older daughters ages 12 to 7. With the three girls (who were all singles) I was always able to maintain a somewhat presentable image. Always had my hair fixed and all my usual makeup on. And clean clothes. I was never to fancy, though. Just clean and pulled together. Now since the twins, I have a new standard of presentable. On my list of musts: deodorant, shoes, and clean underclothes :-). I’ll usually have done a quick something with my hair, but it’s short and easy to manage. Sometimes I might have on a little makeup or not. I’ll almost never be in a clean shirt. And usually the pants have some spit up or baby food on them someplace. What brought it all home for me was a friend saying to me the other night, “girl you just CAN NOT stay clean with two babies around all the time, can you?” My answer was “I surely can’t. And furthermore, I’ve stopped trying!”
I think this is one of those issues that only other mothers of multiples can fully and truly understand. I had my three girls within 5 years of each other, and I can truthfully say that it was a busy time, but not quite so busy as having two babies (and boys at that!) the same age at the same time. Try not to feel too badly. As your boys get older you’ll be able to focus more on yourself. For now, I think we should wear our inexpensive, comfortable, and ‘artfully decorated’ clothes proudly as badges of honor. At least we’re getting out of the house, right?
Kim