In Rememberence Of…
I came across this post yesterday and wanted to join in the use to today, February 29th, as a day of commemorate our losses.
So today…
I remember the miscarriage that I had in August of 2005. How it took longer for my body to recover from loosing that baby then I was actually pregnant. How that process of bleeding for months and months left me vulnerable and filled with pain and no idea how to share it or explain it outside of my self. How I would go into my pool and look up at the pine trees in the corner of the yard and cry huge, devastated tears.
I remember the miscarriages of my friends, J and N, that same year. How I would wrap myself in my prayer shawl and go into my room to cry and cry. How I shouted “why?” to the heavens knowing that there was not going to be an answer. How I wanted to be with N and hold her because I wanted her to be there for me and hold me but we couldn’t because we were in different states. How guilty I felt being pregnant while they were still suffering. How grateful I am that we all three have babies now.
I remember my best friend’s cousin, who’s twin boys were due just days after mine, but who did not make it to birth. How they were afraid to tell me in case it would worry me in the final days of my pregnancy. How I didn’t know what to do or say because I was still pregnant. How the pictures of them left me speechless and in tears for days.
I remember the miscarriages of my dear, dear older sisters and elders from my women’s circles. How when I started to open up about my experience I suddenly found that the miscarriage is an unspoken of but common part of a woman’s life. How women all around me had lost babies, some over…and over…and over again. How one recently had a hysterectomy and we cried for those lost lives around the lunch table.
I remember the many women I’ve connected with on the internet who lost babies, born too soon. How my heart as been touched so greatly by those I’ve never even met.
I remember those I’ve known who have lost adult children, leaving a grandmother to tell stories about momma. How much grace I have learned from those who have lost their children at day one or year 30 of life.
I remember Michele, a woman who would have been an incredible mother but she passed away in December before she had a chance to follow her dream of adoption. How she was one of the good ones, one of the people that shouldn’t have gone because she brought such love to the world with her simply kindness.
I remember my husband’s friend who recently lost a baby due to birth defects.
I pray for all those who are known and unknown to me, those who have been touched by the pain of infertility, of miscarriage/s, and death of a child/ren because of war, famine, disease and accident - at any stage of life.
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so much loss…it just takes your breath away.
this is a beautiful post. thank you
xo